An emotional weekend to say the least...
There are currently potent ascension waves coming through our atmosphere, bringing forth many upgrades. Though as the new comes in, old energies often come up to make space for the new.
I felt frustrated, depressed, alone. Craving confirmation that I’m loved from someone outside of me. Yet the more I reached for my partner to be there, the busier or further away he got. And I can’t blame him. There was no space for love when all I was feeling was emptiness. And he knew that. He’s fully aware that no matter how much my ego wants to blame him for making me feel worse, it’s my own denial of self love to myself that’s the real culprit. And while I found peace and wholeness Saturday night, the moment I didn’t feel fully honored - boom - I was right back in it. So I dove into the pain, knowing it was deeper than the obvious feelings.
Initially what came up was resentment for my Dad not being there when I was younger. A wound I’ve reopened countless times as I latched on to any guy who showed me glimpses of love, then left me high and dry. A wound that’s led to me fearing my own divine masculine, as if it’ll let me down just as every other strong masculine has. And now I have this beautiful light being in my life, who’s done nothing but love me unconditionally, and bend over backwards for me, and yet anytime he doesn’t live up to my expectations, the same wound is felt.
As I journaled last night, trying to find the root of this, I was writing what thought I needed from Joey; presence, nurturing, love, to be heard, held…Whoa..This isn’t what I need from Joey. I’m not meant to wait for him to fulfill me…This is what my own inner child needs..from ME!
But of course it’s my inner child. Exactly what I’ve been calling forth is what every child craves - Excitement! Passion! Playfulness! Child-like fearlessness! All things only I can give to myself. No one else can fulfill these desires within me.
Mirrors may come into our lives that masquerade the illusion that they are the source of these desires, but it’s always ourselves. Nothing we ever feel is truly from anything outside of us. It all stems from the wellspring of life already existing within us.
I share this personal realization in the hopes that it can help at least one of you reading this see deeper into a story you’ve been playing out. This process of ascension is a life long journey and if I can help at least one person along the way, then I’ve served my part in this beautiful life experience.
Much love & many blessings to you all. Namaste